To my dearest liar, to my favorite friend

Your love is an act. People pay to watch you fall. What is the point of you publicizing your affair if it means nothing at all? Who are you trying to impress with the way that you act and dress? My dear, you've hit a serious turn well I'm not impressed. I see right through the fake and I see how much of me you take. You're angry at me cause I see right through you? It's about time someone stood up to you.

Morning Thoughts.

It's so cute to watch you fall. You're nothing without the drugs and with no money you're nothing at all. You're such a waste of space in my already over-clattered life. Tonight is the night I give you up, you demon residing in my mind.

1-25-11

I’m a nervous wreck
The walls shaking around me
As I inhale and thirst for something more
Water won’t quench it
And the air around me is thin
Though the window lets in
A cold draft far colder than my thoughts
I shake because I’m scared
Because I know what I’ve done
Will never be repaired
I feel 3 pairs of eyes on me
As I try to hide from the world
Embarrassed at what a fool I am
Believing that things would be better
Confused as to where I am
What I’m doing here
Who these people are
Then it comes crashing down
I’m here because I had to retrace my tracks
Erase the past as if it was a minor typo
In the long contract entitled life
I feel sick to my stomach
There’s a cold sweat forming on my brow
But I’m shaking
And having difficulty breathing
The walls begin to move in a wave-like dance
Holding onto the water for dear life
Time moving slowly, but moving nonetheless
In the pattern it normally does
Except why, oh why, am I thinking these things
Arms wrapping around me
Choking me slowly
Holding me down as they have their way with me
And I can’t do anything:
Block these arms from suffocating my thoughts
Or break away from that face that haunts my nightmares
Oh you- you fiend of nature
You break my heart and yet you think you can do this
Slap my face one more time
Yell at me from afar
And continue to take over my subconscious gateway
In the middle of the night, waking up
Tears flood my eyes, anger grips my heart and mind
And now.. now that I’m seeing things
One of those things happens to be your face
What did I ever see in you?
Why did I fall for your lies?
What did I ever see in you?
What did I ever see in you?
That thought races through my mind
More repetitive than ever…
The tears break through. The walls torn down.
I look into his eyes:
“It was fun just the two of us before him”
Could it be true?
Is this real?
It feels too much like a movie…
Why am I feeling like this?
Numb, cold, empty, scared shitless…
I wish I could erase that first kiss…
I wish I didn’t hear the things I’m hearing…
I wish I wasn’t seeing the things that aren’t happening…
Two people I trust
They’re holding me down,
Hands all over me, raping me
Shaking me to make sure I’m still conscious…
Apparitions and trips---
When will this movie end?
I want it to end..
I want the reality to come back to actuality
And I don’t want to live in a dream
A nightmare
In the wrong state of mind.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Will I get rid of any waste?
No, I’ll probably hold onto any anger
Any past feeling
Hold it against you in the long run
God, I could kill you
If you were in the room with me right now
You wouldn’t be breathing
Rather, my hands would be wrapped around your throat
Squeezing until you would stop moving…
That’s what you get for telling me you love me
That’s what you get for using me
That’s what you get for cheating on me
That’s what you get for making a fool of me
That’s what you get…
That’s what I get when I let my heart take over
And take flight
When I trust guys like you
And yet I’m committing the same act
The same deeds
That you would commit
Wasting my life by getting high
Blowing my brains out by getting drunk
And yet, you won’t come back
I don’t want you to
I hope you die of a social disease
I hope someone give you herpes
You cheating bastard
The walls are building up again
I feel like a fool
Crying for you
And here I am- head on someone’s shoulder
Someone I just met
I’m a child
Back to the moment I came from the womb
Living through my years
Watching my past mistakes pass in front of me
And I’m back to the room
The room with the three pairs of eyes
The open window
All staring at me
And I stare back
Confused
What am I doing here?
What just happened?
I look down at the clock:
An hour and a half passed by
I will never take this drug again
I will never let this fuck up in my life again
I will never allow myself to be taken over
By false apparitions such as bad trips and love
But now I have your shirt
And you’ll never get that back
Just like I’ll never get back
That piece of my heart you took from me
Sorry but I’m in control
And I'm not sorry cause you'll never be

~V.A.