I Used to Write You Poetry

 I used to write you poetry when things were different, years ago

On a playground slide under the stars at night, our love just beginning to grow

Change to autumn, the falling leaves and chill in the air

But I'm warm when you give me your hoody to wear

Expressing feelings was never our strong suit, poetry was all we could do

To really convey how much you meant to me, how much I loved you

We'd sit in silence listening to music, you hold me on the floor

“I need you so much closer,” tears fall, I never felt this way for anyone before

I used to write you poetry until one day things changed

One day we parted ways, our last goodbyes exchanged

I didn't want you to leave, I held you too close without room to breathe

When all you wanted to do was run away from everything you knew

And I was being selfish because I didn't want to lose you

So you pushed me away, but you pushed me off a cliff's edge

Was everything we had together just built up in my head?

I used to write you poetry to try and win you back

I'd stay up at night because you'd appear in my dreams, I became an insomniac

Discarded like yesterday's news I was alone for weeks

I didn't want to see anyone, it was ages before I wanted to speak

Sobriety was too painful and I needed to numb the thought of you

To get high and block out everything else was all I wanted to do

I wrote you songs because from hurt stems inspiration and creation

But from you there was only silence, which needs no translation

I used to write you poetry until one day you finally reached out

You wanted to spend time before you joined the Navy and shipped out

So we spent a night under the stars, the most we'd spoken since since our break

It felt like a dream, but instead of slumber it happened while awake

We were to go away with your friends, a few days before you were to depart

Until a wrench was thrown in our plans when the cops pulled over the car

Our lives were thrown upside down, and after a few days that was it

You stopped speaking to me, no reason, just like that we permanently split

I used to write you poetry until I realized it could do nothing

I tried my best to pretend I was past it, and you never knew I was bluffing

But instead of sitting around and waiting for someone who didn't seem to care

I happened to find someone else who treated me right and actually was there

After everything we went through, I realized I could never really hate you

I wanted to try and be friends, but friendship is something we can never truly pursue

After love that's been lost, how is it possible to feel anything but?

Pretending and forcing it, I can't change the way I feel in my gut

I still write you poetry, but it seems it all comes out sad

But sometimes the words you write are too; do you ever think of what we had?

It's the only way I'm able to get out what I feel

Even if it's all in my head, and will never be real.

Unititled 5

 Sometimes I find myself back at the start

laying on a slide in a playground at dark
The transition to autumn brings a chill to the bone
But warmth from your embrace makes me feel at home
Though we didnt know each other long you brought a connect
And to me everything that was you was perfect
But it wasnt fair to anyone to put you on a pedestal
And the fear of losing what I thought was pure proved to be regrettable
I squeezed the air out of what life we had
And you turned away not saying a word of how you felt and why
As my walls of comfort are being torn apart
You speak, "all you need is love" while you break my heart
I'm still not sure what you meant
But just know to suffocate you was my never my intent
How come love was was all I needed while I thought that I did
Maybe you just never knew, or felt to the extent that I did
How could I know for sure when weve sat in silence
Your feelings are locked in a chest that is your heart
I could never hate the person I saw at the start
Whether or not that's still you, you're a light to whoever knows you
And maybe I was a dark point just passing through
I've accepted that you've chosen to forget 

Asymptotes

 What a blessing it is to get closer and closer

Yet doomed to infitinely never truly be together
Maybe we are asymptotes, tangential to each other
2 hands reaching but never touching
The distance seemingly small, but between us always something 

What would i say...

What if we bumped into each other on the street

Would there be animosity when our eyes meet

Would we ignore each others presence in silence like the last time
Or throw accusations about who committed the crime
Would it soften the blow if I said there hadn't been
A single day where I hadn't thought about it since then
Its overdue for any other apologies, what is has been long done
But the healing of the wound is inevitable just like the set and rise of the sun
Whether in a day, a week, or even 10 years
What would you say if you were really here
What would I say...

I feel very honest at the moment, so I’m going to write down something for each person I feel I should’ve said something to at the time, but didn’t.

Mom: You’ve been a big hero for me my whole life. It pains me every single time we fight and spend a whole week not talking to each other because we’re women and we’re so alike in personality that we clash all the time. I know you call every 10 minutes to check up on me to make sure I’m alright and keep me from being one of those girls that end up on Nancy Grace, missing. But sometimes you smother me, and it suffocates me. I feel like I can’t grow because you give me everything I need rather than have me work for it. How can I complain about something like that? You came to this country so that I could have everything you didn’t have. I’m so thankful. I love you so much and I’m so proud of you.

Dad: You brought me into the world of music. You showed me my favorite bands and took me to my first concerts and you continue to knock some sense into me when I fight with people because I’m such a vindictive/selfish person. You set me right all the time and you’re my biggest hero. I love you so much, dad. Sometimes you make me feel bad for being the way I am and that hurts. Like when I don’t go to church on Easter. It’s just my beliefs. I love spending time with you and I love that you’ve always been so supportive of me. You’re my biggest critic, but I know you do it because you want me to be the smartest person in my class because you didn’t get to college. You criticize my performances, but that’s because you want me to do the best I can, and you always help me improve. You took me to see American Idiot for my graduation and that was honestly one of the coolest gifts I ever got in my whole life. Thank you for being with me dad. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.

Ian: I’m sorry I’m such a bitch to you. You’re my brother and you need the most support you can get. Sometimes I just can’t take anyone and you annoy me so easily. I need to work on that. It’s so cool that you try and listen to the same bands that I do and you do my room the way I do. It’s so moving to see that I’m a hero to you. I never thought I could be for anyone.

Katie: I’m sorry that I snap at you and that we’ve had the most useless fights in the past. The truth is, I miss you ever day. It pains me that we don’t talk. I know that you need to figure things out in your life, and you know what? I’m going to respect that. Take as long as you need. It just pains me that you shut me out and ignore me because you’ve been such a massive crutch in my life. You know I’m always here if you need me to do the same in your life. Especially now. I love you, sister. I always have. And I miss talking to you and seeing you and making you laugh and you doing the same for me. I want to be here for you… just please forgive me for the stupid things I said and please bring me back into your life.

Savvy: I’m sorry if I snapped at you and Katie that night. I can be so crazy sometimes… ok all the time. My emotions get the best of me sometimes and I lose it on the people I care most about. I miss seeing you almost every other weekend. And I miss talking to you on Tumblr and having LOL-erific moment. You’ve been such a good friend to me for the past couple of years. It was so awesome to see you at one of my gigs in December. I’m sorry that Derek was such a douche to you and I know you tried to warn me. You were absolutely right about letting Katie do what she needs to do… because that’s exactly what you let me do with Derek. It’s her life.

Ksenia: Sometimes, you and I don’t see eye to eye. But the truth is, I feel like I see a lot of me in you. The way you felt after you didn’t get into Austria and feeling completely lost… yeah that’s how I felt when I didn’t get into music school. The way you felt for Eric, I felt that way a lot with guys, especially Derek. You and Robin had me on the radio show… my first radio gig—-even if it was just our college radio station, it still meant something to me. You got my demo on the rotation… that was awesome of you guys! You were one of the first friends I ever made in college- the day we skipped was like the first time I ever hung out with anyone at school. I know, that sounds pathetic, but I was actually very shy and scared to start college, so I just never really made the effort to talk to anyone. I’m so excited that we’re getting to go to Lollapalooza. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did last year.

Robin: I know sometimes I may make you feel inferior to me or that I talk down to you, but I honestly never considered you lower than me (if you think this is a pun for your height, you are terribly mistaken. promise). You, my friend, are one of the most intelligent people I know. Whenever we hang out, you always tell me the best advice, or try and build me up, ask me how my life is going, and when there’s a moment of silence, you break it and open up a whole new conversation. That’s really awesome. We have the coolest adventures ever (which I miss because you’re always busy), and we’re going to experience one this coming weekend with Ksenia. I really hope that you become successful with whatever you do. I know you wanted to be photography major, but it seems like you’re also enjoying history, which is great! I love that you’re my friend. You’ve been there for me during my worst times this past year. You’ve seen me at my lowest and seen me when I’m my happiest. I really hope we can continue to be friends when we graduate, because you’ve changed my life so much and I won’t hate to lose that. (This also goes for Ksenia).

Anthony: You and I have been through so much in less than a year. Dating, friends, strangers, lovers… you’ve been everything to me that a relationship should be, regardless of how much we don’t see eye to eye. When I needed someone to talk to when I was high and depressed, you picked up the phone and listened to my shenanigans. You were there when I was going through my addictions. You were there for me the day Derek broke my heart. You experienced the sensation of seeing every guy date me except for you. I’m sorry that I was such a bitch to you. I love you so much.

Adrian: Oh, how you owe me so many swift kicks in the ass. You’ve listened to me go on and on about the stupid shit I’ve done. You can always make me laugh and you give the best hugs when I need them. You’ve been so supportive of me and you are one of my most talented friends. I love that we have music in common. You’re one of the best rappers I’ve ever listened to. You have such a way with words and rhymes. You’re such a dedicated and loyal friend. You experience me when I was drunk and high and you’ve seen me cry. You keep me in check. You were the shoulder I cried on when I felt like I was at my lowest. You’ve been such a brother to me in college. I hope we never drift apart. Because I can’t even picture my life without you listening to my craziness.

Jim: You…. gah oh you. We’ve been through so much together. There are things that I’ve said to you in the past that I need to seriously take back. You were never trying to use me, and I’m sorry that I ever said that to you. Because in the past two years, we’ve been through hell and high water: not speaking for a while, me going to college, chris breaking up with me, you losing your job, brittney breaking up with you, you lending me money, you being a shoulder for me to cry on and vice versa… you’ve been one of the best friends a person could ever have. I love you, man. It surprises me sometimes that you still talk to me, because you’re such an awesome person, and I’m just me. You’re such a talented writer and such a funny person… super outgoing and just the shining light at the party (the disco ball at the party, if you will)… while as I’m just short, slow, dull Vicky. You’re amazing. Congratulations on your new job and I’m so happy that things are finally picking up for you.

Sam: I now know what it was like for you to be in the situation you were in. I’m sorry that I treated you so badly when you were such a great first boyfriend. The truth is, I did love you, and I’m sorry that it ended the way it did.

Derek: I don’t really think I ever did love you, because I never could trust you. But I still miss you as a friend. The fun times we had. However, if you tried to come back to me, I would never take you back. Not after the past 4 months of the way you treated me. You became a black hole in my night sky.

Chris: I won’t lie, I still miss you sometimes. But that’s the thing, I just miss you. I don’t think I love you because I can’t trust you… not after what happened. Not after the way you hurt me. I just miss the good times we had. The way you looked at me. The way you showed affection, like a sad puppy that made me feel like the best thing in the world. Your shy glace, but deep eyes that displayed all to well the pain you tried to mask with your smile: one that took much convincing to come out. I could make you smile. That made me feel amazing. When I saw your smile, my eyes would shine because you made me feel like the most important and best person in the world. You were that to me. But the way you broke my heart and continue to live on as if everything’s ok… you shattered me. I spent a year trying to convince myself that everything was ok, but not being able to love anyone again for fear that they’d hurt me the way you did. The way the sunlight in my life suddenly turned everything dark.

John: I don’t even know where to start. You’re my goonie. My best friend. My pal. You hate seeing me sad. I hate seeing you upset. I’m going to support whatever you do because you mean the world to me and I want you to be happy. I never want you to get hurt because I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life. You stuck with me when I was at my lowest. You were a shoulder to cry on. I just get so happy whenever we talk. I miss you. I hate being so far from you. I hate that we can never see each other because we live an hour away from each. You take such good care of me. You treat me like a queen. I love you so much. You’re one of the brightest lights in my life. Rawr rawr grr grr. <3

Grant: All I can say is that I miss you. I miss seeing you ever day at school and it pains me that we never talk anymore. Choir and the talent show and physics and cinderella and english… dude we had so many great times in senior year and we haven’t really seen each other since then. What the hell?

Rachel: You were the greatest help for me last year when I went to Lollapalooza. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you that Saturday night when I decided to act like a stupid dumb dumb. (I owe you money for that by the way). You were the holding glue in our group of four; once you moved, everything fell apart. I’m really happy that you’re enjoying college.

Hannah: Senior year with you was… interesting. All three of us went through so much. History was the best! We were so crazy and we got away with so much. I’m sorry about dating your ex. That was very unsisterly like of me. You were right about him anyway. I wish we could’ve seen more of each other during winter break. I miss your crazy silly self. I hope everything works out well in your life!

Michael: There are things I could say to you, but they’d be beating a dead horse. I won’t lie, when we talked, you really helped me. I may have loved you for a brief time, but I think it was before Chris, before Derek… when we first spoke after your heartbreak with Hannah. I’m sorry that I made you drive all the way to Chicago (I was actually thinking of sending you that money at a future date until the way you treated me online), and I’m sorry that you went through so much pain because of me. I was going through my own personal hell for quite some time and you just happened to get caught in it. I wish that some day we can associate in peace again, but I don’t think that will ever happen because we both know that putting us in the same website causes us to go crazy on each others’ ass.

Scribbles late at night

I'M NOT OK...
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... I can't get over the C word... Do I want to? I don't seem to be trying too hard. I want him to hold me again. I want to go back to last summer. I want his lips on mine. I want the smell of his shirts again. I want to look into those dark eyes.
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT....
But what I want is malignant. It's making me sick. I crave a bite from that poison apple so that I can be whole again.
I'm a sick bitch who can't move on. Was it love? Clearlky not. He lied, cheated, and manipulated me to drive down to see him.
HOW COULD I BE SO NAIVE? HOW COULD I BE SO DEPENDENT?
WHY AM I SO EASY???????????
Boys are my weakness. I want to cut love out of my life. It doesn't exist. I don't believe in it. Why should I?
I build walls--------Walls that break down my relationships. I can't trust. I don't want to let peole in. I'm a masochist--- I feel my heart race every single time I'm in that fucking town: whether from love, rage, hate, sadness--- I don't know. All I know is that during that hour ride home I begin to hate myself all the more. I want to kill him.
YOU FUCKED ME UP. YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING---NOW I'M YOUR NOTHING.
I use boys for sex so that I can take away-- I don't want a relationship-- I like the taste of the single life. Why be tied down? Why give your heart if it'll just be broken? Save the tears, pain, nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night to find your fear is a reality:
YOU'RE GONE AND YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
You stabbed my heart and you took what you thought was yours--- you trampled all over it.

YOU ROLLED IT UP IN A JOINT AND SMOKED IT JUST LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

What was I to you-- an easy fuck? No, you had other girls for that. You never were that sad puppy dog your eyes made you out to be.

Dear God

Dear God, we haven't talked in a while
I'm assuming things are great wherever you are
I don't know if you're listening or even if you exist
Guess I won't know til it's all finished

But I wanna thank you for watching over me
And for letting me finally see

Through my injuries I've built up strength
Through my failures I've become wise
With a failed romance I can truly cry
And realize that heart break can only last a while
And your voice inside my head says, "carry on"

With my parents fighting and boys only here to take
I couldn't believe in love without heartbreak
Wishing I could only submerge myself in rivers of bliss
So I could escape from the pain of all this

Being treated like your jest and joke
The bank of faith has finally gone broke

If you could only see the the pain you've inflicted on me
Prayers gone unanswered- thought you were unreal