Scribbles late at night

I'M NOT OK...
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... I can't get over the C word... Do I want to? I don't seem to be trying too hard. I want him to hold me again. I want to go back to last summer. I want his lips on mine. I want the smell of his shirts again. I want to look into those dark eyes.
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT....
But what I want is malignant. It's making me sick. I crave a bite from that poison apple so that I can be whole again.
I'm a sick bitch who can't move on. Was it love? Clearlky not. He lied, cheated, and manipulated me to drive down to see him.
HOW COULD I BE SO NAIVE? HOW COULD I BE SO DEPENDENT?
WHY AM I SO EASY???????????
Boys are my weakness. I want to cut love out of my life. It doesn't exist. I don't believe in it. Why should I?
I build walls--------Walls that break down my relationships. I can't trust. I don't want to let peole in. I'm a masochist--- I feel my heart race every single time I'm in that fucking town: whether from love, rage, hate, sadness--- I don't know. All I know is that during that hour ride home I begin to hate myself all the more. I want to kill him.
YOU FUCKED ME UP. YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING---NOW I'M YOUR NOTHING.
I use boys for sex so that I can take away-- I don't want a relationship-- I like the taste of the single life. Why be tied down? Why give your heart if it'll just be broken? Save the tears, pain, nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night to find your fear is a reality:
YOU'RE GONE AND YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
You stabbed my heart and you took what you thought was yours--- you trampled all over it.

YOU ROLLED IT UP IN A JOINT AND SMOKED IT JUST LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

What was I to you-- an easy fuck? No, you had other girls for that. You never were that sad puppy dog your eyes made you out to be.

Dear God

Dear God, we haven't talked in a while
I'm assuming things are great wherever you are
I don't know if you're listening or even if you exist
Guess I won't know til it's all finished

But I wanna thank you for watching over me
And for letting me finally see

Through my injuries I've built up strength
Through my failures I've become wise
With a failed romance I can truly cry
And realize that heart break can only last a while
And your voice inside my head says, "carry on"

With my parents fighting and boys only here to take
I couldn't believe in love without heartbreak
Wishing I could only submerge myself in rivers of bliss
So I could escape from the pain of all this

Being treated like your jest and joke
The bank of faith has finally gone broke

If you could only see the the pain you've inflicted on me
Prayers gone unanswered- thought you were unreal

Blood Oath Colored Black and Red

Goodnight darling, I've had enough
I've sold my soul the devil himself
I thought we were a match to light a fire
But you were just so full of petty desire

I bargained more than I could take
Love never quite fit into this place

Tonight we slept in the shadows of past
Once visions of mine too perfect to last
I used to love you to death, but what could I know
I was stupid enough to reap what I sow

The taste of two lovers too apart in their worlds
Is like two immensely different thoughts being twirled into one

An empty handshake with Satan, he said
A blood oath colored black and red
Is what I need for a lustful cure
To the heartbreak you brought on cause you just weren't sure

And I walked on down the roads of agony
This aching heart bringing on more tragedy

This promise I brought on- no emotional state
Brought onto me feelings I was forced to hate
No love, just lust, from hearts to dust
The once shiny gold is now turned to rust

I fucked up badly, but I want this to end
And finish this dream of you becoming my boyfriend

I'll end this ballad with a line or two
From a poem once written by you:
"That those who have never experience it
Shall never be able to understand it"

A Work In Progress

I write because I feel what I feel to be romance
Heat boils the earth and the air we breathe,
Sweat covers our bodies- not an inch is safe
The breeze from the rolled down windows of an automobile-
Our only salvation of a fresh breath through the smoldering sun waves
The red ball of fire rises past the horizon of a hill with a church
Light hugs the earth in a warm embrace
As two lover, the pure beauty of their naked bodies connected as one,
Breathe as if it were God's will

What Is Going On

The fireflies fade in a sea of darkness
The drugs leave a headache behind
Why the hell do I keep falling into the same patterns
With the light of a full moon in site
Is it me you're talking to?
I don't know what's going on anymore
I'm hollow inside, twistedly losing my mind
I just wanna run into my room and slam the door
Cut you live there now and that's truly scary

Untitled 4

I just want the world to crash around me
Let the flames rise to the sky
As the tears of yesterday create a pool of despair
Let our lives simmer the guilt from the downfall of humanity
Throw everything we ever knew, ever loved:
Cast it all out to the open sea
It's useless in your heart anyways-
It'll just get up and leave when it pleases
Leaving you stuck with the emptiness: cold and hollow

A Soul Trapped In Love

What do you do when your heart is on the line?
Do you wash it up and hang it out to dry?
Should you leave all you know behind or follow it to the horizon?
As the sun sets you figure life out: bittersweet melancholy taste
The eyes fill with tears and your heart pounds
You play with me like a toy
And toy with me to the point of insanity.
Who are you and are your words legit
Or are you after me for your petty desires,
When in reality they should come in and through time.
Are you using me? If so I go right along with it.
Maybe you'll fall for me over again, maybe not.
I haven't stopped loving you- nor will I ever stop.
My heart aches a little, falls into that chasm
Of doubt, despair, worry.
But then again- I would rather have it this way
Then take what I had months ago- nothingness.
Ans surprisingly the idea of us pleasuring each other
Without that sort of love is fine with me.
We are best friends with benefits of the body-
Sleeping with each other minus the commitment
Yet I want more- the knowledge that when we sleep
You're watching over me and I'm the only one.
I dig a deeper grave for my heart
As we lie together- physically
The kisses- deep, rich, and passionate
Don't go-don't leave- is that what you're trying to say?
How am I supposed to know if you never try
To communicate the feelings inside

Anger and annoyance.

You keep her on a string, and when she tries to fly you cut off her wings. You tell her anything to make sure she won't find out the truth. You don't deserve her, you indecisive youth. Bring her flowers don't give her lies. She should toss the "I love you's" and give you "goodbyes".

What I took from the X Factor

So as some of you may know I auditioned yesterday for the TV show, The X Factor. For those of you that do not know what that is, it’s basically the English version of American Idol with Simon Cowell as a judge, and they brought it over to the States; winners of this show such as Leona Lewis win $5 million in a recording contract… basically just like American Idol. Anyways, the auditioning process went like this:
April 13, 2011- Registration Day
1. Be in line in Newark’s Prudential Center by 5.30 in the morning
2. Obtain ticket and sign release form

However I didn’t get there by 5.30 because I had class starting at 10 with a test and paper included in the mesh of all that. So by the time I got there, which was around 4 PM, there was no line. What I didn’t know was that the tickets were first come, first serve: the people that were there the earliest would go first for the auditions. My one friend, Fedlene, who also auditioned, was there since 5 in the morning and had to wait for about five hours to get her ticket. You can imagine that the lines weren’t exactly small.

April 14, 2011- Audition Day
1. Be in line between 5.30 AM-7 AM or else you’re cut from the audition
2. Go through a process of “shoots” which is when a helicopter/camera crew take footage of the crowd cheering and being all excited for the auditions, which will take anything from one hour to three hours
3. Take your seat in the Prudential Center (which is on your ticket) and wait until they call your section to audition
4. Wait line for a free booth and audition in front of one judge. If it’s a yes, you will go through a second process after exiting one side of the P. Center. If it’s a no, you will directly exit on the opposite side of the P. Center after having your entrance wrist band cut from you.

Since the ticket itself said to be in line by starting at 5.30 AM, I woke up around 3.30, drove myself to Newark and arrived around 4.30, and there were already people on line by then. I stood in line until about 7.10 when the producers began taking shoots. This took about three hours and we only just entered the P. Center around 10 AM.

Now, since I arrived so late the day before, my ticket/audition section location was upstairs in section 118. What they did is they started around the right side of the arena and went clockwise, taking row by row of each section on the bottom levels first, and then moved up to the top areas. This sounds easy, but when you have approximately 20,000 including guardians, siblings, and performers, it is not the smoothest process.

During when the other sections were being auditioned, since it was a slow process and I was only on the second floor, audition-ers had the freedom of walking around the arena, get something to eat, nap, leave the arena to go get something to eat and come back (only if they had the wristband and ticket with them could they return). I spent most of my time until about 4.30 when my friend auditioned hanging out with her, walking around the arena, practicing in the stairwells, etc. Keep in mind that she was there early yesterday so she obviously went much before I did. And yes, she only auditioned around 4.30 PM. You can imagine how long I had to wait afterwards. Around 9 PM they called my section down and around 10 PM I auditioned. The girl in front of my auditioned the cliché “I Am Beautiful” song by Christina Aguilera and she was, I’m putting this lightly, a little tone deaf and she got in. I, however, was turned down flat and left the arena a little around quarter after 10.

17 hours awake, around 16 hours in Newark, and 12 hours in the arena itself: all for a simple no. It was fair to say that I was morbidly upset when I got home yesterday: not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to listen to music, not wanting to sing because I was very close to having no voice because of exhaustion, haven’t eaten all day, working on all of three hours of sleep in two days.

However, when I woke up this morning I had quite a few thoughts going through my head. I felt lighter, refreshed, and no need for resentment. I don’t need a stupid TV show to make me famous: one that excludes people because of their weight, color, age, or because I’m too short or my nose is too big- and most importantly: excludes people who are really talented. When I saw that my friend didn’t make it in (and she is incredibly talented) or that this girl that I know who is strictly opera didn’t make it in, I knew that the chances of me making it in were slim. I guess this wasn’t the path that was chosen for me: to gain stardom by a silly TV show.

“'Cause they might try to tell you how you can live your life
But don't, don't forget it's your right
To do whatever you like, you like
'Cause you could be your own spotlight …
You could be the star, you can shine so bright” (Patrick Stump’s “Spotlight”)

So I’m going to continue doing my own music thing, regardless of what stupid TV producers tell me. I learned that I don’t need that easy route to fame: if I really want it I’ll work hard for it because it’s my life and my music.

To my dearest liar, to my favorite friend

Your love is an act. People pay to watch you fall. What is the point of you publicizing your affair if it means nothing at all? Who are you trying to impress with the way that you act and dress? My dear, you've hit a serious turn well I'm not impressed. I see right through the fake and I see how much of me you take. You're angry at me cause I see right through you? It's about time someone stood up to you.

Morning Thoughts.

It's so cute to watch you fall. You're nothing without the drugs and with no money you're nothing at all. You're such a waste of space in my already over-clattered life. Tonight is the night I give you up, you demon residing in my mind.

1-25-11

I’m a nervous wreck
The walls shaking around me
As I inhale and thirst for something more
Water won’t quench it
And the air around me is thin
Though the window lets in
A cold draft far colder than my thoughts
I shake because I’m scared
Because I know what I’ve done
Will never be repaired
I feel 3 pairs of eyes on me
As I try to hide from the world
Embarrassed at what a fool I am
Believing that things would be better
Confused as to where I am
What I’m doing here
Who these people are
Then it comes crashing down
I’m here because I had to retrace my tracks
Erase the past as if it was a minor typo
In the long contract entitled life
I feel sick to my stomach
There’s a cold sweat forming on my brow
But I’m shaking
And having difficulty breathing
The walls begin to move in a wave-like dance
Holding onto the water for dear life
Time moving slowly, but moving nonetheless
In the pattern it normally does
Except why, oh why, am I thinking these things
Arms wrapping around me
Choking me slowly
Holding me down as they have their way with me
And I can’t do anything:
Block these arms from suffocating my thoughts
Or break away from that face that haunts my nightmares
Oh you- you fiend of nature
You break my heart and yet you think you can do this
Slap my face one more time
Yell at me from afar
And continue to take over my subconscious gateway
In the middle of the night, waking up
Tears flood my eyes, anger grips my heart and mind
And now.. now that I’m seeing things
One of those things happens to be your face
What did I ever see in you?
Why did I fall for your lies?
What did I ever see in you?
What did I ever see in you?
That thought races through my mind
More repetitive than ever…
The tears break through. The walls torn down.
I look into his eyes:
“It was fun just the two of us before him”
Could it be true?
Is this real?
It feels too much like a movie…
Why am I feeling like this?
Numb, cold, empty, scared shitless…
I wish I could erase that first kiss…
I wish I didn’t hear the things I’m hearing…
I wish I wasn’t seeing the things that aren’t happening…
Two people I trust
They’re holding me down,
Hands all over me, raping me
Shaking me to make sure I’m still conscious…
Apparitions and trips---
When will this movie end?
I want it to end..
I want the reality to come back to actuality
And I don’t want to live in a dream
A nightmare
In the wrong state of mind.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Will I get rid of any waste?
No, I’ll probably hold onto any anger
Any past feeling
Hold it against you in the long run
God, I could kill you
If you were in the room with me right now
You wouldn’t be breathing
Rather, my hands would be wrapped around your throat
Squeezing until you would stop moving…
That’s what you get for telling me you love me
That’s what you get for using me
That’s what you get for cheating on me
That’s what you get for making a fool of me
That’s what you get…
That’s what I get when I let my heart take over
And take flight
When I trust guys like you
And yet I’m committing the same act
The same deeds
That you would commit
Wasting my life by getting high
Blowing my brains out by getting drunk
And yet, you won’t come back
I don’t want you to
I hope you die of a social disease
I hope someone give you herpes
You cheating bastard
The walls are building up again
I feel like a fool
Crying for you
And here I am- head on someone’s shoulder
Someone I just met
I’m a child
Back to the moment I came from the womb
Living through my years
Watching my past mistakes pass in front of me
And I’m back to the room
The room with the three pairs of eyes
The open window
All staring at me
And I stare back
Confused
What am I doing here?
What just happened?
I look down at the clock:
An hour and a half passed by
I will never take this drug again
I will never let this fuck up in my life again
I will never allow myself to be taken over
By false apparitions such as bad trips and love
But now I have your shirt
And you’ll never get that back
Just like I’ll never get back
That piece of my heart you took from me
Sorry but I’m in control
And I'm not sorry cause you'll never be

~V.A.