Scribbles late at night

I'M NOT OK...
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me... I can't get over the C word... Do I want to? I don't seem to be trying too hard. I want him to hold me again. I want to go back to last summer. I want his lips on mine. I want the smell of his shirts again. I want to look into those dark eyes.
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT
I WANT I WANT
I WANT I WANT....
But what I want is malignant. It's making me sick. I crave a bite from that poison apple so that I can be whole again.
I'm a sick bitch who can't move on. Was it love? Clearlky not. He lied, cheated, and manipulated me to drive down to see him.
HOW COULD I BE SO NAIVE? HOW COULD I BE SO DEPENDENT?
WHY AM I SO EASY???????????
Boys are my weakness. I want to cut love out of my life. It doesn't exist. I don't believe in it. Why should I?
I build walls--------Walls that break down my relationships. I can't trust. I don't want to let peole in. I'm a masochist--- I feel my heart race every single time I'm in that fucking town: whether from love, rage, hate, sadness--- I don't know. All I know is that during that hour ride home I begin to hate myself all the more. I want to kill him.
YOU FUCKED ME UP. YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING---NOW I'M YOUR NOTHING.
I use boys for sex so that I can take away-- I don't want a relationship-- I like the taste of the single life. Why be tied down? Why give your heart if it'll just be broken? Save the tears, pain, nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night to find your fear is a reality:
YOU'RE GONE AND YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK.
You stabbed my heart and you took what you thought was yours--- you trampled all over it.

YOU ROLLED IT UP IN A JOINT AND SMOKED IT JUST LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

What was I to you-- an easy fuck? No, you had other girls for that. You never were that sad puppy dog your eyes made you out to be.

Dear God

Dear God, we haven't talked in a while
I'm assuming things are great wherever you are
I don't know if you're listening or even if you exist
Guess I won't know til it's all finished

But I wanna thank you for watching over me
And for letting me finally see

Through my injuries I've built up strength
Through my failures I've become wise
With a failed romance I can truly cry
And realize that heart break can only last a while
And your voice inside my head says, "carry on"

With my parents fighting and boys only here to take
I couldn't believe in love without heartbreak
Wishing I could only submerge myself in rivers of bliss
So I could escape from the pain of all this

Being treated like your jest and joke
The bank of faith has finally gone broke

If you could only see the the pain you've inflicted on me
Prayers gone unanswered- thought you were unreal

Blood Oath Colored Black and Red

Goodnight darling, I've had enough
I've sold my soul the devil himself
I thought we were a match to light a fire
But you were just so full of petty desire

I bargained more than I could take
Love never quite fit into this place

Tonight we slept in the shadows of past
Once visions of mine too perfect to last
I used to love you to death, but what could I know
I was stupid enough to reap what I sow

The taste of two lovers too apart in their worlds
Is like two immensely different thoughts being twirled into one

An empty handshake with Satan, he said
A blood oath colored black and red
Is what I need for a lustful cure
To the heartbreak you brought on cause you just weren't sure

And I walked on down the roads of agony
This aching heart bringing on more tragedy

This promise I brought on- no emotional state
Brought onto me feelings I was forced to hate
No love, just lust, from hearts to dust
The once shiny gold is now turned to rust

I fucked up badly, but I want this to end
And finish this dream of you becoming my boyfriend

I'll end this ballad with a line or two
From a poem once written by you:
"That those who have never experience it
Shall never be able to understand it"

A Work In Progress

I write because I feel what I feel to be romance
Heat boils the earth and the air we breathe,
Sweat covers our bodies- not an inch is safe
The breeze from the rolled down windows of an automobile-
Our only salvation of a fresh breath through the smoldering sun waves
The red ball of fire rises past the horizon of a hill with a church
Light hugs the earth in a warm embrace
As two lover, the pure beauty of their naked bodies connected as one,
Breathe as if it were God's will

What Is Going On

The fireflies fade in a sea of darkness
The drugs leave a headache behind
Why the hell do I keep falling into the same patterns
With the light of a full moon in site
Is it me you're talking to?
I don't know what's going on anymore
I'm hollow inside, twistedly losing my mind
I just wanna run into my room and slam the door
Cut you live there now and that's truly scary

Untitled 4

I just want the world to crash around me
Let the flames rise to the sky
As the tears of yesterday create a pool of despair
Let our lives simmer the guilt from the downfall of humanity
Throw everything we ever knew, ever loved:
Cast it all out to the open sea
It's useless in your heart anyways-
It'll just get up and leave when it pleases
Leaving you stuck with the emptiness: cold and hollow

A Soul Trapped In Love

What do you do when your heart is on the line?
Do you wash it up and hang it out to dry?
Should you leave all you know behind or follow it to the horizon?
As the sun sets you figure life out: bittersweet melancholy taste
The eyes fill with tears and your heart pounds
You play with me like a toy
And toy with me to the point of insanity.
Who are you and are your words legit
Or are you after me for your petty desires,
When in reality they should come in and through time.
Are you using me? If so I go right along with it.
Maybe you'll fall for me over again, maybe not.
I haven't stopped loving you- nor will I ever stop.
My heart aches a little, falls into that chasm
Of doubt, despair, worry.
But then again- I would rather have it this way
Then take what I had months ago- nothingness.
Ans surprisingly the idea of us pleasuring each other
Without that sort of love is fine with me.
We are best friends with benefits of the body-
Sleeping with each other minus the commitment
Yet I want more- the knowledge that when we sleep
You're watching over me and I'm the only one.
I dig a deeper grave for my heart
As we lie together- physically
The kisses- deep, rich, and passionate
Don't go-don't leave- is that what you're trying to say?
How am I supposed to know if you never try
To communicate the feelings inside

Anger and annoyance.

You keep her on a string, and when she tries to fly you cut off her wings. You tell her anything to make sure she won't find out the truth. You don't deserve her, you indecisive youth. Bring her flowers don't give her lies. She should toss the "I love you's" and give you "goodbyes".