1-25-11

I’m a nervous wreck
The walls shaking around me
As I inhale and thirst for something more
Water won’t quench it
And the air around me is thin
Though the window lets in
A cold draft far colder than my thoughts
I shake because I’m scared
Because I know what I’ve done
Will never be repaired
I feel 3 pairs of eyes on me
As I try to hide from the world
Embarrassed at what a fool I am
Believing that things would be better
Confused as to where I am
What I’m doing here
Who these people are
Then it comes crashing down
I’m here because I had to retrace my tracks
Erase the past as if it was a minor typo
In the long contract entitled life
I feel sick to my stomach
There’s a cold sweat forming on my brow
But I’m shaking
And having difficulty breathing
The walls begin to move in a wave-like dance
Holding onto the water for dear life
Time moving slowly, but moving nonetheless
In the pattern it normally does
Except why, oh why, am I thinking these things
Arms wrapping around me
Choking me slowly
Holding me down as they have their way with me
And I can’t do anything:
Block these arms from suffocating my thoughts
Or break away from that face that haunts my nightmares
Oh you- you fiend of nature
You break my heart and yet you think you can do this
Slap my face one more time
Yell at me from afar
And continue to take over my subconscious gateway
In the middle of the night, waking up
Tears flood my eyes, anger grips my heart and mind
And now.. now that I’m seeing things
One of those things happens to be your face
What did I ever see in you?
Why did I fall for your lies?
What did I ever see in you?
What did I ever see in you?
That thought races through my mind
More repetitive than ever…
The tears break through. The walls torn down.
I look into his eyes:
“It was fun just the two of us before him”
Could it be true?
Is this real?
It feels too much like a movie…
Why am I feeling like this?
Numb, cold, empty, scared shitless…
I wish I could erase that first kiss…
I wish I didn’t hear the things I’m hearing…
I wish I wasn’t seeing the things that aren’t happening…
Two people I trust
They’re holding me down,
Hands all over me, raping me
Shaking me to make sure I’m still conscious…
Apparitions and trips---
When will this movie end?
I want it to end..
I want the reality to come back to actuality
And I don’t want to live in a dream
A nightmare
In the wrong state of mind.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Will I get rid of any waste?
No, I’ll probably hold onto any anger
Any past feeling
Hold it against you in the long run
God, I could kill you
If you were in the room with me right now
You wouldn’t be breathing
Rather, my hands would be wrapped around your throat
Squeezing until you would stop moving…
That’s what you get for telling me you love me
That’s what you get for using me
That’s what you get for cheating on me
That’s what you get for making a fool of me
That’s what you get…
That’s what I get when I let my heart take over
And take flight
When I trust guys like you
And yet I’m committing the same act
The same deeds
That you would commit
Wasting my life by getting high
Blowing my brains out by getting drunk
And yet, you won’t come back
I don’t want you to
I hope you die of a social disease
I hope someone give you herpes
You cheating bastard
The walls are building up again
I feel like a fool
Crying for you
And here I am- head on someone’s shoulder
Someone I just met
I’m a child
Back to the moment I came from the womb
Living through my years
Watching my past mistakes pass in front of me
And I’m back to the room
The room with the three pairs of eyes
The open window
All staring at me
And I stare back
Confused
What am I doing here?
What just happened?
I look down at the clock:
An hour and a half passed by
I will never take this drug again
I will never let this fuck up in my life again
I will never allow myself to be taken over
By false apparitions such as bad trips and love
But now I have your shirt
And you’ll never get that back
Just like I’ll never get back
That piece of my heart you took from me
Sorry but I’m in control
And I'm not sorry cause you'll never be

~V.A.

Dear Mother

Dear mother, what wrong with me?
You're thinking of sending me to therapy
Am I mentally sick, do you think something wrong?
I'll try to do better- it won't take long
What that look in your eye?
Do you think I'm lying
My love for you is quickly dying
You yell at me as if I'm your mistake
Do you really think I'll be able to take
All your bullshit-you're the psycho
One way you'll leave- the opposite I'll go
I don't wanna be in your dark and cold shadow
I can't put down the bottle
Or lay off the hit
What did you do to me, mother?
Did you influence me with your fake shit?
No-it can't be
You're you and I'm different- I'm me
God told you to watch over your child
But did your "God" tell you to squash it
With repressing watchful eye?
Is this why I'm so paranoid:
You watching my every move every waking moment,
Never knowing you were the cause of my torment
Transcending rage in my ever step
Perhaps you meant no harm
No-you were only doing your job
But I neither need it nor want it anymore
So please- for the love of sanity- stop
You're suffocating me with your tight grip
And it's slowly, painfully tearing me to bits
But-you mock me when I try to tell you-
Call me drama queen, white trash
When I dye my hair blonde and do what I wanna do
Maybe I'm not your stupid niece
Who seems to be a saint in the flesh
But that's what make me, Vicky
So suck it up and accept it
That I'll never be your perfect child
And if you don't like it then let me be
Cause I'm sick both on the exterior and inside
With a disease called pressure
Give to me by my own blood.

Poetic Bits Collecting Dust in my Cell Phone

The man of the hour and the guy of my dreams
But nothing is ever quite as it seems

When I was playing Mozart
You were learning to climb a playground set
Well excuse me for being upset
But why must you be so childish?

Let's not play semantics
And cut to the chase
You're all I depend on
But obviously for you it's not the same

Why do you love me?
That's what every girl wants to know
Is it really for me
Or is it just for the way my body flows

This radioactive romance is dying fast
Spreading like cancer to the core and eating it

Wasting lung power on the process of living

I'll never tell you the sacrifices I've made
I've given up more than I've ever gained

I have rage in my step, a storm cultivating in my veins
The venom is black and it leaves my life filthy with stains

I don't love- I simply want
What pretty thing you offer
I'll take it and trash it up

The awkward silences burn holes through the metal taste in my mouth

Dear mother I wish I were famous
I'd be all those things you said I wouldn't

Is it possible to suffer from withdrawal from one person?

It's usually the ones that hold their heads highest
Whose insides are slowly dying
Devoured by the pride that doesn't exist

I leave you with a sense of loss when you leave me in power
I possess your soul with one swift kiss and you hate me for it

When I'm drunk I need to be put on a leash

I've fallen victim of a broken heart

My vision's gone blurry
My language's gotten slurry
Something's up in my mind

Euphoria's got my mind in a twist
Who knows long I can suffer through this

Dear Mr. Wright

I've lost my faith but not hope
Every night I wish for a sign
That everything will be right again
Instead of living in a space that's benign

You're not at fault
My trust issues overrule all
I've tried and tried to let the past go
But it's bound to me and I just don't know

You treat me like a queen
I feel so awfully mean
But I'm trying to trust you
So that's more than just lust
You feel as if I'm letting you hang
But let don't me go- not yet.

I clearly love you- that's never been a lie
But can someone please tell me how and why
You can love someone yet not trust
Does that mean we'll fall to dust

It's me, not you-
And I'm doing all I can do
I wanna work this shit out
And I'm screaming aloud
I'm sorry for the way I act
Most of the times I feel like a dumbass
You can cut yourself loose if you please
Your happiness only means the world to me

I'm seeking the strength
The internal peace
That I've put off for months
Through sessions of therapy
Are they helping? A bit
And I'm finally leaving the past
I can truthfully admit

The wake-up call was sickening at first
Now can we put behind the worst?
I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart
And I have cared for you from the start
So please offer me that second chance
And let us continue this near-perfect romance.

Dreamy Guy

As a child I thought I knew
What true love always seemed to be:
A beautiful girl gets the handsome man
Who treats her in the best way he can,
Puts her first in is life
Always saving her the last slice
But what if fairy tales lied
And all my child fantasies just died?
I thought that for the longest time
Maybe the man of my dreams
Isn't everything fairy tales make him out to be
Perhaps he's actually something more real
Someone we can both lean on
Who knows exactly how I feel.
The pain and depth portrayed in his eyes
Is nothing could ever criticize
Because I have been there
And the life we're living will no longer be a nightmare
We'd be able to lean on each other
And he'd understand
That would be my dream man.

Is that you?
Are you the one I can trust with everything?
My secrets, my dreams, my secret desires
Will this small spark become a wildfire?
I want your love, all your love and not revenge
Are you up for the challenge?

Over Me

Sentimental sparks in your dreams
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Screaming, "shine a light into your life"

The boundaries of who we are and the world
Are wearing thin upon the pages
Of our fairy tale romance set in gold

And all I want is for us to fall back in love
But the disease is screwing us up for life

I can't stop the world from crashing on its knees
But I'd sure as hell would love to try
Who can keep the sun from setting
Or the waves from crashing
Down over me

Priests and nuns preaching in the streets
An Avant-garde of painters try to illustrate
The thoughts and debates surging in my head

But destiny was never on my side
Fought my way through the pain
Of all the ghosts in my closet and in my brain

Now let's be realistic- I'm a nut case at heart
But you somehow put up with me

I can't stop the future from happening- still I try
Forget me not's running through my mind
Who can stop the rain from flowing
Or the leaves from falling
Down over me

And all religion won't stop picking at our brains
Along with quantum theories and the opposite sex
But I can stop my life from failing
And my friends from crying
Down over me
There's a world around me
I need to trust. Godspeed.

Inspired By the Inane Distance.

I'm sitting here, trying to write something beautiful
But it's difficult to do when nothing compares to you.
You're not here at the moment, but far away
Across the sea, an ocean, or a massive piece of land.
I guess it doesn't matter, distance is inane.
Still, it's tough not seeing you when I please:
A strain on my heartstrings, causing pain
But when I see you, God, the heavens open up
The worst is behind me, and there's nothing left but you.
I don't know how to explain this in person:
Whenever I wanna say something, you take the words away
Leaving me speechless where I am.
Maybe it's a mix of everything about you
And you don't even realize what you are to me, or do you?
I fear falling in love because of past events
That should be left behind in the shadows of yesterday,
But I don't fear it right now, because for the first time,
The actual first time in my life,
I feel like this is right-
The right place, the right time, the right person.
And I still can't believe you're here in my life.
What did I possibly do
To deserve you?
To have you?
I'm only myself, nothing more.
Yet, somehow you take that. But why?
I find it truly amazing that you think of me.
You're far beyond perfection-
I'd take a picture, but it won't do any justice.
To have you here in my arms would be the equivalent of nirvana.
The beauty of the moon, stars, and sun have nothing on you.
And I'm not trying to flatter you,
Simply stating facts.
I wish at 11.11 for three different things:
I wish that you were here with me,
But distance is a bitch, and so are superiors sometimes.
I guess they just don't understand-
They probably never will.
I wish you could attend the same college as I
But your destiny can only truly be decided by you
And I won't ask you to give up anything that you dream.
I wish that you'll never leave.
However, if you ever wanted me gone, I'd understand
And I'd leave without drama or spite.
My words, typed out after written out
Inspired by you.
Goodnight.
And don't let anyone ever tell you you're worthless,
A fuck up, or anything less than perfect-
Because you truly are
And anyone who can't see that is far too blind of the truth.
Til we see each other again.
<3